Many times we find traits in people around us that we do not like. If only those people could change, our life would be much easier, right? We may try various means to get them to change - by giving them a lecture, scolding them, and otherwise resenting their action. Most of the time, you would have noticed that you come out disappointed and the other person does not change one bit.
Why does trying to change people not work?
Each one of us are acting out of our own karma (past impressions) and gunas (qualities) The behaviour that we exhibit are habits that are deeply ingrained over a long period of time. It is very comfortable and natural for people to keep being the way they are. When people are told to change, they resent it, as the ego does not like to be told to change - it is the same as saying that they are not good enough they way they are. Just as you like to be accepted the way you are, so also is the case with others. For people to genuinely change, the thirst for self-improvement needs to spring from within, and this thirst cannot come from outside. People hire life coaches to help improve themselves. From the perspective of the life coach, the single most important thing is the willingness of the client to change. Unless the client desires it and is willing to work towards it, lasting change does not happen.
Also, many times when we do not like a quality in someone, that person is simply showing something in us that we are not able to accept, because we are too far off the other extreme. Thus our aversion to some quality simply means that we are not centered ourselves, as we favor the opposite of that quality.
Examples of opposite qualities that repel each other:The laid back versus the perfectionistThe thinker versus the doerThe stay at home person versus the party animalThe introvert versus the extrovertThe overly strict versus the overly lenientThe touch me not versus the romantic
When we encounter a person with the opposite quality, it helps if we can be more accepting of the other by becoming more centered at-least when we are around with that person.
Examples:A laid back employee and a perfectionist boss experience frustration with each other. It helps if the employee becomes a little more perfectionist while at work, and the boss becomes a little laid-back. The same goes with couples as well. For example - If one parent is overly strict with kids, and the other overly lenient, then there is usually a struggle as to which way is the right way to bring up the kids. It helps for both partners to try to become a little more centered.
If you have to ask others to change, it is wise to gently remind at times, and ignore at other times, and make sure we are not being a nag to the other person. The only thing you can do to change people is be the change you want to see in them. Real change in people come about only when we are able to inspire them to change.
Trying to change others is a great waste of energy. It is far better to love them the way they are, just as we like others to love us the way we are. Also the way you look at other people’s traits influences you more than any other single thing. Try silently laughing at the trait of the other person that bothers you, or simply think of that quality as cute - you will be far happier than your attempts to change them to your ways
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