Monday, 25 April 2011

To better understand yourself and others, develop more Empathy .. By sudhir Krishnan





Empathy is getting into another person’s being and to be able to live the other person’s life for a few moments, so we understand their perspective better. Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is feeling for the other, while wearing our own shoes - I.e in sympathy one does not get into another person’s shoes. The ability to walk in other people’s shoes and feel what they feel is empathy.

Each individual is unique. Each of us come with different past experiences, conditioning and beliefs, and thus it is highly unlikely that two people agree on all points with the other. Take any post on this page and go through all the comments - you will see proof of this happening every single day. A person lacking empathy is more likely to judge and criticize others, as any other perspective that disagrees with his views simply appear wrong to him. Such a person is able to see only through the lens he is used to seeing, and not through the lens that others are wearing.

Empathy for others can be developed by asking ourselves questions such as the following and genuine feeling the answers:
  • How would it feel to be sick and depressed all the time?
  • How would it feel to be unemployed youth with lot of responsibility on your shoulder?
  • How would it feel to be a 5 year old?
  • How would it feel to be a child with learning disabilities?
  • How would it feel to be a illegal alien struggling in the US?
  • How would it feel to be in your 70s and no children to take care of you?
In addition to understanding others, empathy can also be used to develop more self-awareness. All of us play various roles - that of parent, spouse, child, employee etc. To know more about ourselves, we can look at ourselves objectively form the perspective of our counterparts in the roles we play. To develop more self-awareness, we can ask ourselves question like the following,  and answer them as objectively as possible:
  • How would I feel to have a mother/father like me if I were my child?
  • How would I feel to have a spouse like me if I were my spouse?
  • How would I feel to have a son like me if I were my own son?
  • How would I feel to have a friend like me if I were my own friend?
  • How would I feel to have a manager like me if I were my employee?
  • How would I feel to have a facebook page author like me if I were my page fan?
Empathy is a great quality to develop within us. A person with empathy is able to communicate better as he is not limited to his own views. Empathy helps a person to be more self-aware, more sensitive to the needs of others, more accepting of opposing points of view, and consequently makes for a more harmonious relationship with self and others. Developing empathy is developing comapassion for others - it is living with more wisdom.

Sunday, 17 April 2011

Why is self-esteem important?




What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is the set of beliefs that you have about yourself. It is how good (or bad) you feel about yourself.

Example self-beliefs that constitute self-esteem:
  • I’m an excellent writer
  • I’m a good human being
  • I’m great at explaining concepts to others
  • I feel I’m ugly
  • I’m too fat
  • I’m not good with people
  • I’m a bad person

As you see above, self-esteem can be both broad (I’m a good human being) or specific to a certain field (I’m an excellent writer) Also self-esteem is known by many other synonyms such as self-worth, self-respect, self-confidence etc.

Why is self-esteem important?
Success in anything we take up in our life is directly linked to the amount of confidence we have in ourselves. Lack of confidence in oneself or low self-esteem prevents us from achieving our full potential in life. A low self-esteem also prevents us from enjoying life fully. By law of attraction, what we believe about ourselves is what the universe shows to us, and thus in order to attract positive things in our life, it is important that our beliefs about ourselves be positive. Self-esteem is an important Level 4 need in the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

For more details about Maslow's hierarchy of needs:

Maslow's hierarchy of needs showing self-esteem as a level 4 need.

Where does self-esteem come from?
  1. Childhood: A large part of self-esteem comes from our childhood. The quality of relationships we have had with our parents, and the amount of praise you got from them have an effect on self-esteem. It is thus important that we positively acknowledge children for their achievements.
  2. Our own thoughts: Some people are naturally more positive than others. The kind of self-talk we do to ourselves is thus a big contributor to our self-esteem.
  3. Achievements:  Success in anything we take up increases our self-esteem. Failures tend to decrease it.
  4. Peers:  What people around us say to us affects our self-esteem. This can be people from work, family or those we have romantic relationships with.

How can I find out if my self-esteem is high or low?
Here are some general traits of people who have high and low self-esteem. Make a unbiased judgement and find out for yourself.

People with high self-esteem tend to:
  1. Feel confident in their abilities. They do not fear failure and are willing to ask for help when needed.
  2. Consider themselves equal to other, regardless of specific talents or outward differences they have. They neither have a superiority complex not inferiority complex.
  3. Standup for what they believe, do not feel attacked when they face opposition, and are open to change their beliefs and grow.
  4. Trust their own judgement and do not feel guilty when other people do not like the choices they make.
  5. They learn from the past and plan for the future. They do not worry too much about the past.
  6. Believe that others accept them, love them or at least find them interesting.
  7. Are sensitive to the feelings and needs of others.
  8. Enjoy their life.
Refer to the above as P1 to P8 in order to talk about it. Example - I found myself having P2, P4, and P8

People with low self-esteem tend to:
  1. Be pessimistic about their life, future, and themselves.
  2. Feel bad about many things and thus tend to be hostile and ready to explode.
  3. Are very sensitive to criticism. They feel easily attacked and experience obstinate resentment against critics.
  4. Criticize themselves often and are generally dissatisfied with themselves.
  5. Be fearful of making mistakes, which leads to a state of chronic indecision.
  6. Are unable to say “no” to others and consequently have an excessive will to please others.
  7. Tend to be perfectionistic thanks to their fear of making mistakes.
  8. Condem the behaviors of others, exaggerates the magnitude of mistakes and find it difficult to forgive others.
  9. Have a general lack of will to enjoy life.
Refer to the above as N1 to N9 in order to talk about it. Example - I found myself having N1, N2 and N7

How can I improve my self-esteem?
  1. Be positive. Focus on achievements and talents, rather than shortcomings.
  2. Stretch yourself beyond what you do now.
  3. Do not be hard on yourself. Let go of any mistakes made in the past.
  4. Surround yourself with positive people who encourage you in whatever you take up.
  5. Monitor and celebrate your success. Reward yourself when you achieve milestones.
  6. Take good care of yourself - body, mind, heart and spirit.
  7. Regularly practice self-love. Look into the mirror each day and say " Wow - How wonderful you are - I Love you !"
  8. Work with a professional coach who can quickly point areas of improvement.

Do not criticize, condemn, or complain. (Principle #1)





Do not criticize, condemn, or complain.  (Principle #1)
-Dale Carnegie
http://teiadogestor.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/dale_carnegie.jpg



It is quite natural that at times some people around us may do certain things that upset us very much. Our intellect may perfectly justify that their actions are wrong, inefficient, or simply foolish. The natural response from our side is then be to criticize, condemn or complain about the other person’s actions. Criticizing gives us an opportunity to blow some steam. It temporarily makes us feel really good. However more often than not, it does not serve one bit in making the situation and the relationship any better. Why is that so?

This is because whatever a person does, his ego automatically justifies it. Most criminals, including the ones who are perfectly sane mentally, hardly experience any guilt and remorse, however serious their crimes. Their ego and intellect perfectly justifies all their actions. This type of defense mechanism is built into each one of us - we are all setup to defend our actions fully, as our egos never wants to make us wrong. People simply do not like to hear that they did anything wrong intentionally.

It follows then that when we criticize, condemn or complain about the actions of others, what most likely happens is that we will trigger the other person’s defense mechanism. Criticism wounds a persons pride, hurts his sense of importance, and thus arouses anger and resentment. It can demoralize family members, friends, and employees, while not helping one bit in correcting the situation at hand. More often than not, the person we criticize simply finds a way to justify his actions and in turn give some criticism back to us. In some cases the consequences of our criticism can be very serious, and come back haunting at us.

Animals that are regarded for good behaviour learn much more rapidly and retain what they learn more effectively than an animal punished for bad behaviour. The same works with humans as well - It is far more easier to correct some one's actions by speaking positively of the things that they do right, rather than what they do wrong.  Positive reinforcement works miracles with everyone - children and adults alike. A wise man thus knows to skillfully handle the egos of people around him.  He is able to present facts in a way that does not offend others. He puts more effort in understanding the reasons behind other people’s actions - as he fully realizes how futile it is to criticize, condemn, and complain.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Lets Pray for Japan ...



http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2011/Mar/Week2/15950595.jpg


 असतो मा सद्गमय
तमसो मा ज्योतिर्गमय
मृत्योर् मा अमृतं गमय
ॐ शांति शांति शांति

“From the unreal, lead us to the Real; from darkness, lead us unto Light; from death, lead us to Immortality. Om peace, peace, peace.”




Lord, protect our planet, because we live here, and here we dwell with our daily tragedies.
May our daily reconstruction be the result of the very best that we carry within us.
Give us the courage
to be able to reconstruct what was destroyed
to be able to recover what was lost
to be able to accept what was gone forever.
May you give us courage to look ahead,
may we never look back nor allow our soul to be discouraged. 

Lord, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. 

Lord, may the Earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. Do not leave us in solitude. 

Have compassion on us, Lord. For we often think we are dressed when we are naked.
Do not forget, in your mercy, our friends in Japan, who are now teaching us the meaning of Courage, Reconstruction, Solidarity and Enthusiasm.
Amen


Lets all pray for the people in JAPAN ... 
You  can make a donation here: http://rdcrss.org/


Sunday, 6 March 2011

True Grit ... A story of a teen girl ....intelligence, independence and strength of mind.

File:True Grit Poster.jpg
The Billboard of the Movie based on the Novel


The film is narrated by the adult Mattie Ross (Elizabeth Marvel), who explains that her father was murdered by one of his hired hands, Tom Chaney (Josh Brolin), when she was 14; Chaney made off with her father's horses and two of his California gold pieces. While collecting her father's body, Mattie (played as a 14-year-old by Hailee Steinfeld) inquires about hiring a Deputy U.S. Marshal to track down Chaney. She is given three recommendations, but chooses to hire Rooster Cogburn (Jeff Bridges), because he is described as the most merciless. He repeatedly rebuffs her attempts to hire him.
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Mattie - A 14 year old brave girl who displays the characteristics of a WOMEN

                              Intelligence, independence, determination and strength of mind

Meanwhile, at the boarding house where she is staying, Texas Ranger LaBoeuf (Matt Damon) arrives on the trail of Chaney. LaBoeuf has been pursuing him for several months over a murder in Texas. He proposes to Mattie that they should team up with Cogburn, since the Marshal knows the Choctaw terrain where Chaney is hiding, while LaBoeuf knows how the man is most likely to behave. Mattie rejects LaBoeuf's offer, partially because he would take Chaney back to Texas to be hanged for the prior murder, instead of her father's. After finally securing Cogburn's services, Mattie is instructed to meet him the following morning to begin the search for Chaney, though instead of meeting Mattie, Cogburn leaves a note telling her to go home while he goes to apprehend Chaney.

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Chaney- murderer of her father

After she is refused passage on the river ferry that conveyed Cogburn and LaBoeuf, Mattie rides into the water and is pulled across by Little Blackie, her swimming horse. On the far side, she learns that the two men have agreed to split the Texas reward for Chaney. Accusing him of fraud, Mattie threatens to have Cogburn arrested for breaking their agreement, which specified that she must accompany him on the manhunt. Reluctantly, he allows Mattie to come along. After a disagreement, LaBoeuf sets off on his own in search of Chaney. Eventually, Mattie and Cogburn come across an isolated shack, where two outlaws (Paul Rae and Domhnall Gleeson) are staying. After they turn on each other, Cogburn kills the older outlaw, and as the younger one is dying, he explains that "Lucky" Ned Pepper (Barry Pepper) and his gang were planning on returning to the shack later that night. Believing Chaney to be riding with Pepper's gang, Cogburn and Mattie lie in wait for the gang.

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Mattie with her Horse "Little Blackie" and US Marshal Cogburn


However, LaBoeuf rides up to the shack ahead of the gang. When the gang arrives, they lasso LaBoeuf and drag him behind a horse. Cogburn opens fire from his hiding spot, killing three members of the gang and accidentally wounding LaBoeuf. During the night, Cogburn drinks a great deal of whiskey and is severely drunk the next morning. The following night, he and LaBoeuf argue again, and LaBoeuf departs once more. The next morning, as Mattie draws water at the river, she encounters Chaney, who is watering the gang's horses. She draws her father's pistol and shoots him. The pistol misfires as she tries to finish him off, and he drags her back to the gang. Ned uses Mattie as a hostage to force Cogburn to ride off. Though Mattie is initially hostile to Ned, she calms down when he promises he "doesn't hurt children" and he seems to show respect for her. Not having enough horses for everyone, Ned leaves Mattie with Chaney, telling him that he will send a horse for him later. He orders Chaney not to harm Mattie and to drop her off in safe, colonized lands afterwards.
http://images.hitfix.com/photos/603343/True_Grit_poster_contest_article_story_main.jpg
Cogburn with his famous pistol, known for his sharp shooting


Once alone, Chaney disobeys Ned and attacks Mattie; LaBoeuf appears and knocks Chaney out with his rifle butt, explaining that when he heard the shots in the morning, he rode back and encountered Cogburn, who devised a plan. LaBoeuf and Mattie watch from their distant perch as Cogburn takes on the four remaining members of Ned's gang. Although one escapes, Cogburn kills two of them, and mortally wounds Ned before his own horse is shot out from under him. As the dying Ned is about to kill Cogburn, LaBoeuf shoots and kills Ned, impressing Mattie with his ability as a marksman. Chaney comes to and attacks LaBoeuf. Mattie grabs LaBoeuf's rifle and kills Chaney, but the recoil knocks her back into an old mineshaft, where she unwittingly disturbs a ball of snakes. She is bitten before Cogburn can rescue her. Cogburn and Mattie leave the wounded but stable LaBoeuf at the mine with the promise they will send help. Cogburn rides through the night to get Mattie to a doctor before the venom spreads to other parts of her body. In the process, he kills Little Blackie out of mercy before it begins to suffer from exhaustion, and finishes the trail carrying the girl in his arms, arriving to a safe place just in time.

Twenty-five years later, Mattie – now 40 and with only one arm, the result of an amputation necessitated by gangrene from the snakebite – receives an invitation from Cogburn to meet him at a traveling Wild West show with which he is performing. When she arrives at the site, she learns that Cogburn died three days earlier. She has his body moved into her family plot, and the film ends with her standing over his grave and pondering how time catches up with everyone......


True Grit
Worth watching ....