Fear of rejection

What is fear of rejection?
What common behavior patterns exist for people who operate out of a fear of rejection?
How do others react to people who operate out of a fear of rejection?
What are some underlying causes for operating out of a fear of rejection?
Steps to overcome the fear of rejection

What is fear of rejection?
Fear of rejection is the:

Irrational fear that others will not accept me for who I am, what I believe, and how I act.  A Caution in my behavior and interactions with others. State of mind that makes me incapable of doing or saying anything for fear of others' rejection, lack of acceptance, or disapproval.

State of being of individuals who are over-dependent on the approval, recognition, or affirmation of others in order to feel good about themselves. In order to sustain personal feelings of adequacy these individuals are constantly concerned with the reactions of others to them. Self-censoring attitude that inhibits creativity, productivity, and imagination in one's approach.

Driving force behind many people that keeps them from being authentic human beings. They are so driven by the need for acceptance of others that they lose their own identity in the process. They mimic the ways in which others act, dress, talk, think, believe, and function. They become the three-dimensional clones of the ``role models'' they so desperately need to emulate in order to gain acceptance.

Underlying process in the power of ``peer pressure'' that grabs hold and makes people act in stereotypic, ``pop'' culture, counter culture, punk, new wave, preppie, yuppie, and other styles. They crave recognition and acceptance from the reference group with whom they want to be identified.

Energy-robbing attitude that leads to self immobilization, self-defeating, and self-destructive behavior. This attitude encourages ongoing irrational thinking and behavior, resulting in personal stagnation, regression, and depression.

Driving force of some people for all actions in their lives. It plays a part in their choices concerning their education, career direction, work behavior, achievement level, interpersonal and marital relationships, family and community life, and the ways in which they spend leisure time.

Act of giving to others more power than I give to myself over how I feel about myself. What the others say or feel about me is the determinant of how I feel about myself. I am completely at the mercy of others for how happy or sad I will be. My self-satisfaction and belief in myself is in their hands. Fear of rejection is the abdication of power and control over my own life.

What common behavior patterns exist for people who operate out of a fear of rejection?
People who operate out of a fear of rejection:
Display little or no assertiveness. Do not speak up and let others know how they feel about something, especially if their opinions differ.

Function as enablers. They have neither the courage nor the ability to assist others in discontinuing self-destructive behavior, e.g., alcohol or drug abuse, underachievement or workaholism.

Lack the courage to function differently from others, even when they don't enjoy the behavior in which they are involved.

Resort to passive/aggressive behavior; that is dishonest, sneaky, and allows for no open communication.

Play games with people. They will keep their personal feelings hidden. They are in tune with what is in and make every effort to emulate it in their lives.

Privately express a great deal of anger or depression over how unfortunate and unhappy their current lifestyle is. Yet, when helped to look at alternatives involving confrontation with others, they take a ``yes, Y but'' attitude.

Are confused as to their true identity, wearing ``masks'' to please others.

Become so obsessed with functioning, looking, and acting in a ``prescribed'' manner that they become rigid, inflexible, and closed to alternative behavior. This is true even if they are unhappy in the lifeBstyle they hold to so rigidly.

Are dishonest with themselves, so much so that it carries over into their interactions with others and they become habitual liars.

There isn't any sunset that I never think of you !!

There isn't any sunset that I never think of you
When there is nothing more to say
Everything was done,
break up, And lessons learned
Tears flow from my eyes,
Lives change when people go far away
Everyone tries to explain
But no realizes the depth of the pain.
Never thought that you could ignore me
and leave me all alone
tell me where that love has gone?
All I wanna say is that I am there for you
There isn't any sunset that I never think of you.....

Two basic self-improvement principles.

 

From a high level perspective, most self-improvement knowledge can be summarized as two principles below:

1. Love yourself, work on your self-esteem. Take responsibility for how you feel/think/act. Work on reducing your ego. Do not let people/situations hurt your ego, and if hurt, do not act on the thoughts when hurt. Center your mind before you act.
2. Love others. Boost their self-esteem. Do not intentionally hurt other people’s ego.  Keep developing people skills so you will reduce the probability of even unintentionally hurting others, and increase the chance of making others feeling good about themselves and hence you. 

Let us look into these in further detail:

Principle #1:
Our ego is the single reason why we experience all the negative emotions and all the suffering.  Our ego is just a thought of who we think we are in terms of what we do, what we own, and what others think of us. The entire spiritual path is about reducing our ego. As our ego’s reduces, wisdom naturally increases, and our life gets better. Loving ourselves is very Important. Self-esteem is the critical component that determines the quality of our lives. The core teaching of self-help is that we are responsible for our lives, and that no matter what happens around us, we are responsible for how we feel. The meaning that we associate to events is what creates our feelings. By consciously assigning empowering meaning  to events, we can always control how we feel. Wisdom is in knowing that it is never others that hurt us, but we choosing to hurt ourselves by the thoughts we think.

Principle #2:
The other side of the the core self-help knowledge is to love others and make them feel valued. Although it would be great to have people around with no ego, practically speaking, all people around us have egos, just like we do. Wisdom thus lies in boosting people’s self-esteem - to make them genuinely feel good and appreciated. While it’s clear that intentionally hurting other people’s ego is not a good idea, what may not be that apparent is that we unintentionally hurt people thanks to our lack of skills in dealing with people. Much of classic self-help knowledge such as ”How to win friends and influence people” and most books on “relationship skills”  are about learning skills so that we become a master of dealing with people. There is a psychology for every situation, age group, sex, and profession. Our ignorance of human psychology leads us to untold pain in dealing with people. Becoming more and more skilled in dealing with people the right way so we do not violate principle #2 is a great asset. This part can take a long time to master, as life always leads to new situations/people in which we have not yet learnt the  proper psychology for the situation. For example, many people struggle with marriages simply because of ignorance of psychology of the opposite sex.

Many relationship problems are a result of not following these principles
Most of the relationship problems between two people, whether at home or work, happens due to people violating either principle #1 or principle #2. The patterns of all friction between two people A and B happens in one of the following ways:

1) A violates principle #1 =>  B violates principle #1
Example:
A gets angry at B due to an expectation B did not meet, and his ego is hurt. B in turn is hurt by the negative energy A is sending him, and reflects back the anger in some way. He may become hurt, depressed, sad or send back anger.

2) B violates principle #2 =>  A violates principle #1 => B violates principle #1
Example:
B unknowingly hurts A, due to some ignorance, perhaps lack of people skills. A takes that action personally, gets hurt, and sends some negative energy towards B. B in turn retalitates with negative energy.

Solution to many relationship problems lies in simply following these principles
The solution to avoiding friction between two people happens in one of the following ways:

1. A follows principle #1 => B has no problem.
2. B follows principle #2 => A has no problem.
3. A violates principle #1 =>  B still follows principle #1 => no problem  (i.e B does not retaliate)
4. B violates principle #2 =>  A still follows principle #1 => no problem  (i.e A does not retaliate)

Apply these principles on yourself, not others
The interesting thing is that even as we break one of these principles, we expect our counterpart to follow them! For example, we knowingly/unknowingly hurt the other (principle #2), but yet expect our counterpart to not act out as they do when hurt (principle #1). Or, we hurt ourselves by giving disempowering meaning to events related to what the other did (principle #1), and expect the other to make it right ( principle #2) Wisdom lies in applying these principles on ourselves, and not on our counterparts. We can only control ourselves, not others. Expecting others to comply only leads to disappointment.




The reason we are creators of our life is that regardless of whether people around us are following these principles or not, if we follow them, we are able to completely direct the experience of our life. Not following these principles leads to negative, dis-empowered and painful situations, and following these leads to positive, empowered, and happy experiences.
 

Todays Quote of the day !!

If you squeeze an orange, you get orange juice. If you crush a flower, you get it's fragrance. In stressful situations, the essence of what is inside is what shows up outside. In the same way, when we are stressed by outside situations, the essence of our mind comes out as words/actions. If we are peaceful and pleasant from within, what will come out of us will also be pleasant, regardless of outside situations.

A must read ..... !!

An Indian man walks into the New York City bank and asks for the loan officer.

He tells the Loan Officer that he was going to India for some business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The Loan Officer tells him that the bank will need
Some form of security for the loan.

So the Indian man hands over the keys and the documents of the new Ferrari car parked on the street in front of the bank.

The loan officer consults the president of the bank,
Produces all the required items and everything check out to be OK.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as a security for the loan.

The bank president and the Loan Officer had a good laugh at the Indian
For keeping a $750,000 Ferrari as a security and taking only $5,000 has a loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari
Into the banks underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later the Indian returns and pays $5000 and the interest which comes to it $15.41.

Seeing this, loan officer says,

“Sir, we are very happy to have your business
And this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you are away, we checked you out and
Found out that you were a multi millionaire.

What puzzled us was why would you bother to borrow $5000?”

The Indian replies :
"Where else in the New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks and
For only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return".


This is a true incident and the Indian is none other than : Dr Vijay Mallaya

Dr Vijay Mallaya

Is honesty a Sin ????

In english dictionary the word "Honesty" means:

1. the quality or fact of being honest;  uprightness and fairness.

2.truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.

3.freedom from deceit or fraud.

I am sure like me, many of us might have heard this saying or might have said it ourselves to others "Be honest with me or I am honest with you" etc.
However, did we ever ask this question that how much honesty one can handle?
How much trust one invests to know that whatever is said/told is true?
How many people in this world are  truely honest to SELF and to other's?
Why people are afraid of being honest ?


The answer to these questions are sometimes difficult to find or easier than thought.

Have you ever noticed that when your with a complete stranger that you have met may be on your way on a flight or on a train or may be on net, you tend to share more or become more honest with that person without any fear of repercussions etc because in your mind may be you know that the person will least impact on your life etc and you risk it.At the same time you share your weaknesses also without any fear of acceptance or not.

Another example of the same is when your with your psychologist discussing something very personal with a confidence that he/she will/might help you find your way/answers and you become very honest about your lives etc.

The problem is, it requires a great deal of trust to willfully expose your weakness to others .
Now where does weakness came into the picture.Well, everyone has weaknesses and to accept those honestly is not only a brave thing but also shows the character.
To pretend that I am without weakness builds a wall around me. Yes, it may protect me from being hurt, but it also keeps out any potential friends. You can't pick and choose, really, what the outcome will be when you build that wall. The funny thing about it is that no one will really believe you anyway, if you pretend to be without weakness. News flash: we ALL have weakness!

Part of honesty is allowing yourself to be vulnerable. It means giving an answer because that's how you feel, instead of answering how you think the person asking the question might want you to answer. Honesty means that you'll be wrong sometimes. Honesty means that you are willing to accept the consequences of your actions. Honesty means failing. Perhaps the most difficult: honesty means coming to terms with yourself as you are, not as you wish you were, or as you wish others would see you. You can't make any improvements in your life if you don't know where your starting point is.

Trust is on the people when you fall, will be there to catch you..

Conclusion is that Trust/confidence,Vulnerable and Fear are the important factors that drives someone's extent of being honest.

However, this just doesn't stop here. You need a kind of understanding also which implies that being able to say things doesn't mean the job is done, its important to know/understand how it is being comprehended.
Many times we say something and it is understood very differently.

But in real being honest requires a lot more courage than one could think, it requires courage of the character, your inner self (how strong you are) and above all how much you believe in your self. But to the negative side of this, you don't have many people by your side and can easily be used or manipulated as you all know we live in a strange world.

But in your lifetime make sure you have someone with whom you are truely honest with atleast 1 in your lifetime.


I'm well aware of this. And I want to grow. I want to allow others into my life. But after so many years of hiding my weaknesses, I don't know how one goes about letting others (i.e., aside from my mom, who thankfully know pretty much all of my weaknesses) see who I really am.

lets not ask OTHERs to change for us .....

Many times we find traits in people around us that we do not like. If only those people could change, our life would be much easier, right? We may try various means to get them to change - by giving them a lecture, scolding them, and otherwise resenting their action. Most of the time, you would have noticed that you come out disappointed and the other person does not change one bit.

Why does trying to change people not work?
Each one of us are acting out of our own karma (past impressions) and gunas (qualities) The behaviour that we exhibit are habits that are deeply ingrained over a long period of time. It is very comfortable and natural for people to keep being the way they are. When people are told to change, they resent it, as the ego does not like to be told to change - it is the same as saying that they are not good enough they way they are. Just as you like to be accepted the way you are, so also is the case with others. For people to genuinely change, the thirst for self-improvement needs to spring from within, and this thirst cannot come from outside. People hire life coaches to help improve themselves. From the perspective of the life coach, the single most important thing is the willingness of the client  to change. Unless the client desires it and is willing to work towards it, lasting change does not happen.

Also, many times when we do not like a quality in someone, that person is simply showing something in us that we are not able to accept, because we are too far off the other extreme. Thus our aversion to some quality simply means that we are not centered ourselves, as we favor the opposite of that quality.

Examples of opposite qualities that repel each other:The laid back versus the perfectionistThe thinker versus the doerThe stay at home person versus the party animalThe introvert versus the extrovertThe overly strict versus the overly lenientThe touch me not versus the romantic
When we encounter a person with the opposite quality, it helps if we can be more accepting of the other by becoming more centered at-least when we are around with that person.

Examples:A laid back employee and a perfectionist boss experience frustration with each other. It helps if the employee becomes a little more perfectionist while at work, and the boss becomes a little laid-back.  The same goes with couples as well. For example - If one parent is overly strict with kids, and the other overly lenient, then there is usually a struggle as to which way is the right way to bring up the kids. It helps for both partners to try to become a little more centered.
If you have to ask others to change, it is wise to gently remind at times, and ignore at other times, and make sure we are not being a nag to the other person. The only thing you can do to change people is be the change you want to see in them. Real change in people come about only when we are able to inspire them to change.

Trying to change others is a great waste of energy. It is far better to love them the way they are, just as we like others to love us the way we are. Also the way you look at other people’s traits influences you more than any other single thing. Try silently laughing at the trait of the other person that bothers you, or simply think of that quality as cute - you will be far happier than your attempts to change them to your ways